[Brassed off]

Got any really funny e-mails sent to you lately?

Want to share them with everyone?

Well get posting then, what are you waiting for?

Here's my twopennethworth:-


A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,
and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn.'




Bo

[Jess68]

lol the funny emails i receive would probably get me banned hehe

[Brassed off]

Lol Jess - depends how bad they really are. You could always put asterisks instead of letters

[MilkTrayMan]

Originally Posted by Brassed off

...You could always put asterisks instead of letters

How do U Post asterisks bo??...
...Does the Royal Mail supply asteriskboxes, or do U have to get/fit them yourself??...


...

[Brassed off]

Fit 'em yourself of course

Looks like you have the right qualifications for the Naughty Thread

You gonna post something to make us giggle then or what MTM?


*******************
***********************
**************

[Jess68]

Subject: FW: Who's superior?
Importance: High




A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither
of them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, you're a
man I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at
this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies," No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

[Jess68]

New Software


My Ass


This memo is to announce the development of a new Y2K-compliant software system
known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.
We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will
have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person
at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked
into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his
nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid
of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything
in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she
admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking
forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save
MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a
supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS."

[Brassed off]

I'd heard the first one but not the second

And no asterisks Jess

[Brassed off]

Posting the following for Ja-de - she's having a few problems registering on here

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were talking about
life. The cucumber said, when I get big and hard they
chop me up and toss me in a salad! The pickle says,
you've got it easy mate. When I get big and hard they
chop me up and drown me in vinegar! The penis says,
lads that's nothing compared to what I go through when
I get big and hard! They put a plastic bag over my
head, shove me into a small, warm, damp cave and bang
my head against a wall until I throw-up and faint!

Now that's really naughty and there's more............

[Brassed off]

Another Ja-de classic:-

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are
"the seven dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there
any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter and once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANYdwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they
begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin''

Now I have no idea what the equivalent of a CAGbot is on CHF, but I have a feeling I might just find out very soon

For the benefit of any new peeps on here, a CAGbot is an edit which can be made by a Moderator if you've said something offensive or libellous on the Consumer Action Forums - no idea what the equivalent is on the Consumer Health Forums But I'm sure I will be enlightened very soon