[Energised]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[MilkTrayMan]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when Audrey, a tall and exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could NOT take her eyes off him.


The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (...as ALL men would).
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over + whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything that U want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00......On one condition.


Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, 'U have to tell me what U want me to do in just THREE words.'


The woman considered his proposition for a moment, + then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, + slowly + meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.'


...

[Energised]

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant,'Is that how the men do it?'

'Not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town...... where the girls are.'

[Energised]

: How to handle tax audits...

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

he auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no Full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a Demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other Eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,

With Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks.

'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!'

Lessons learned here peeps

[Energised]

Subject: Weekend Teaser



Can you figure out how this works?

1) Go to the link below. After reading each window and completing the action, click on the boy in the lower right corner of the picture.

2) In the last window type in your answer in the white box using the Keyboard (there is NO cursor).

3) Watch the paper in the boy's hand. You will be amazed. And no, I don't know how it's done.

http://digicc. com/fido/