[Brassed off]

LMAO Jess & Ja-de

I see you got here at last then Ja-de

[MilkTrayMan]

Baby Lizards

If you have ever raised kids (or been one), + gone through the 'pet syndrome', including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, this is the story for U!

Overview:
A friend of mine had to take his son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened...

Just after dinner one night, his son came up to tell him there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his bedroom.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told his Dad.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

My friend put his best lizard-healer expression on his face + followed his son into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
My friend immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," he called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my golly gosh!" his wife exclaimed.
"She's having babies."
"What?" his son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mum!"

My friend was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," he said accusingly to his wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she enquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" he reminded her, (in his most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting his teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" his son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed him (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
My friend shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," he announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" his wife wanted to know.

They peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," he noted.
"It's breech," his wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" his son urged.
"Okay, okay."

Squeamishly, he reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared.
He tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 999?" his eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my friend's house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," he said grimly.

They drove to the vet with his son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she says to her hubby is one thing, but this boy is of her own womb, ffs.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" my friend suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Friends of MilkTrayMan, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

My friend gulped, nodding for his son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" his wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male + occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my friend's wife.

They were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just......excited?" his wife offered.
"Exactly!" the vet replied , relieved that they understood.

More silence.
Then my friend's vicious, cruel wife started to giggle + giggle + then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" my friend demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman that he had married would commit the upcoming affront to his flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough!" he warned.

They thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard + their son back into the car.
His son was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told him.
"Oh, you have NO idea," his mother agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: £140.
One cage: £50.
Trip to the vet: £30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class.
...Lizards lay eggs!


...

[ja-de]

[Brassed off]

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.


(Courtesy of Lex )

[Brassed off]

Irish Diet


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my
instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from f**kin' skippin', the Irishman said.

Yet another from our Lex

[ja-de]

Council Tax



Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a
nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in
rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack
of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even
have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with
racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for what happened to his son and
his son's girlfriend.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who
everyone suspects is gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the
Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd
antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...........

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

[ja-de]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS



A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.

[MilkTrayMan]

Here is a personal favourite version of mine, following on from the very recent **Important** Oft Test Case Announcement + also THIS Thread...

Rick Rolling The Baby


...

[ja-de]

I just got this email: A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time".
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig", she retorted indignantly.
"In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives".
“Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talking' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi' "




£5.00 says you're gonna read this again.

[Brassed off]

You owe me a fiver Ja-de