Consumer Health Forums

Hello everyone.
I was in a relationship for around 7 years, he was in general a nice chap.However he did have his faults ranging from being terrible with money and never finishing anything he started - especially jobs around the house. I lived in a half finished house for years. He did work but then without discussing it with me just packed it in - i paid all the bills anyway. I bailed him out many times paying off credit cards and old council tax bills etc. I was also good friends with his family and they formed a lot of my social life.
After 7 years i was getting fed up and felt more like his mother and accountant than a partner but i felt responsible for him for some reason so i stayed. Anyway i met another chap ( through work) and i fell for him - so i took a chance on happiness and split with my ex. He was very upset and cried etc but i felt i was making the right decision for me.

The problem is that now i still feel terribly guilty - he believes that i was seeing my new chap behind his back when i was not. My ex's family don't speak to me now and my ex now lives in a council flat and probably blames me for all the problems in his life!

How can i stop my feelings of guilt and how do i stop it impacting on my new relationship?

Anonymous.

It sounds to me like you have nothing to feel guilty about. You say he was generally a nice chap but then he expected you to bail him out all the time and place you in a position where you took on the burden and responsibility of dealing with the money. Not something a nice chap would do.

It sounds like he does not want to accept responsibility for anything even his own repsonsibility in ruining the relationship. Its far easier to blame you and not live up to his responsibilities. Its quite natural that his family will take his side. I don't think you need to beat yourself up over it.

The best thing you can do is to put this behind you and move on. Enjoy your new relationship and don't let him spoil that. You were with him for a long time so its natural that you will still think about and worry about him, but as time goes on you will do this less often. Don't get drawn into his silly mind games about blaming you it is simply attention seeking and done deliberately to make you feel down. Be strong and confident that you made the right decision.

Take care xx

I agree you've done the right thing. Time to start looking forward rather than back. You are entitled to be happy

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All you can do is explain it clearly to him, and his family if you wish to, maybe a letter and just leave it at that. It would be pointless getting into long discussions with him and analysing what went wrong, when you have clearly moved on. But telling him your reasons for ending it, may help him in any future relationships he forms. As for the council flat, if he wants to change his living accommodation, then he needs to take control of his life, and work towards improving his situation. But whats wrong with a council flat anyway

You have nothing to feel guilty about, and when you realise that, then it will stop impacting on your new relationship. Enjoy what you have now.

Hi and thanks for your reply - i do feel better reading all the replies.
Also there is nowt wrong with a council flat honest!
Cheers.

Hi all and thanks for your replies. I meant no offence when i mentioned council flats - honestly! I do try and rationalise the guilty feelings and i do believe that i made the right decision for me. I had at the time just bought a new house ( i had wanted the house for years) and i know if i had stayed with my ex i would not have been able to afford it and i think his father would have expected me to pay off my ex's debts with the equity from my old house - my ex had plans for the new house and obviously did not envision that he would not be moving with me and would end up in a flat. Thats another reason why i feel guilty.
But you are all right and i have to look forward and not back.
Thanks again.

You did the right thing. You have nothing to feel guilty about

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Hes a grown man and needs to start acting like one, you deserve happiness and if you find it with someone new or on your own you should not feel guilty about your ex

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Thanks Jess - you're right he is a grown man and should act like one. I am trying to put it behind me now and concentrate on what i have now. But a small part of me will always feel responsible for him i suppose thats just the way i am. But as time goes on hopefully he will meet someone etc and get on with his own life.
Thanks for all the replies
Cheers.