Consumer Health Forums

Hi all,

I hope this is the right place to post. I have been with my partner for 9 years and we have 2 children, aged 5 and 3
but I embarrased to say we haven't had sex since before the youngest was born. We hardly talk to each other unless it is about the children. I would love to resume the intimate side of our relationship, but don't know how to bring the subject up, or where to start. Before the children the physical side was a very important part. I wonder if he is just not interested in me anymore. I am 38 and he is 31.

Any suggestions welcome

Thanks

Hi RT,

have read your post on V/Day why dont you make this the time to start talking, this is the biggest part of any relationship.

If you can get the kids away for the night and make a nice meal, at least you are making the first move and hopefully in the right direction.

He may think you have lost interest, kids can take up so much of your time that maybe you have been giving the wrong signals.

You dont have to wait till V/Day for this but the sooner you try and start to talk again the better.

Hope this helps

eagle1

Trouble is we don't really have anyone who could have the kids overnight, both sets of parents live far away.

But I don't know how to start the conversation, and how to braoch the subject of sex?

Sorry to hear you don`t have anyone to take the kids.

When my kids were younger we had no sitters either, just tried to put them to bed early and hope for the best.

If you had the kids ready for bed early, that when he comes in you say you have made a meal just for the two of you too spend together, (would this be a problem)

maybe play some music in the background that means something to the both of you, make some comment on what it reminds you of or the last time you heard it.

broaching the subject of sex is not easy if there is no communication, if you could get the communication going the rest will follow.

I suggested a we had a day to ourselves in the next week or so and went out for lunch whilst kids are at childminders/school etc, but he just looked at me a bit funny and went to the pub.

I always seem to say the wrong thing

Oh dear i`m sorry, what I would do is if you know there is a time when the two of you can be alone, set that time and get yourself in a frame of mind to say to him you want to talk, I know you are saying you dont know how to broach the subject of sex but in my opinion you have a geat deal of talking to do first.

If you find it hard to start talking, talk about the kids first as you say that is what you normally talk about, try then to ask how he feels about being a couple and his views on the future.

I know you will find this daunting but you have to find some strength to start this conversation, maybe even just drop the question in when you are discussing the kids to see his reaction, then take it from there.

This is only my opinion, maybe someone else could give you some advice.

eagle1

Hi RT,

I would tend to agree with eagle here that you need to start talking about the foundations of your relationship before you get down to the subject of sex. Try and start off with an agreement to set aside a hour 2/3 times a week where you just talk about how you are both feeling , what things you woudl like to change about yourself as well as your partner, be prepared to be be 100% honest and not let the talk turn into a row. The changes needn't be major just simple things like eating a meal together 2 times a week and so forth,

Hi RT,

How awful for you. I don't think I could go 9 days let alone 9 years without sex. How about buying some sexy underwear? Most men I know prefer action rather than talking.

Hi there,

Without meaning to be intrusive, what was the sex life before the cut off point? Was it regular and were you tactile with each other?

Sex can become a habit. If you are in the habit of having it regularly - then you tend to want it regularly. The less you have actually, dictates less drive.

Perhaps your husband feels quite awkward about the matter too - I would think so.

I suggest you try one of two things.

You could follow others' advice, get the kids to bed early - maybe have the older ones stay over with their friends if possible. Have a nice, grown up meal with candles ready for yourself and husband. Something special and no TV on in the background. Flirt with him. This may be difficult for you - as you sound a little shy - but catching his eye or flashing a smile - a low cut top - all easy to do and good to start.
Then find a moment to actually kiss him! hopefully - by now, he won't need any more encouragement.

OR! Tell him you miss having sex and that you miss him intimately. Take it from there.


Your relationship has clearly dwindled with time through no fault of your own, but life's demands and I suggest you read the thread about bringing back romance - I think it's Mrs B's. You need to re-establish the foundations - and that may mean re-discovering each other - it's amazing how little you may know or understand about the person you sleep beside each night.