Well, I've been to see my mate this weekend and tbh, you would have no idea that she is that ill. She's just like she always used to be, constantly on the go, never stopping. She says that the steroids and sleeping tablets have helped although she doesn't always take the sleeping tablets as she's scared of not waking up again.
The only sign of illness is the fact that the steroids have made her stomach bloat and have made her eyes very puffy, with big lumps on the outer part of each eye which get bigger as she gets more tired.
I have spoken to her youngest son quietly and asked him if he really knows how ill his mum is. He's a very bright 14 year old and he knows that she has cancer and has guessed from "listening in" on conversations that it will eventually take her life. He is a typical teenager and enjoys winding his mum up but I've told him just to leave it and let her have a rant without rising to the bait. I know he listened to me as the next day he was a nice as pie with her
He's very good and is always offering to do things for both her and me. He carried my overnight bag into the house for me without being asked - he's just that sort of lad.
However, my mate has a very fiery temper and always has had. Her fuse is even shorter now so on Saturday night after much wine drinking by me (she had a couple of lagers too!), I tackled her about it and said that it can't be doing her any good to lose it constantly and she said that she knew she was doing it but couldn't help it. She is angry at the world for taking her so soon and is wondering what she has done to deserve this. She's a good mum and has brought her kids up well considering she had to do it on her own.
I have suggested counselling but she says she doesn't feel she needs it. She is adamant about this and I knew that there was no way was I going to change her mind.
I don't know how I managed to hold it together this weekend but I did. We only went out for a bit of shopping Saturday and the rest of the time, we just sat and talked and laughed and reminisced and it was just like the old days
I'd forgotten just how much she can gab - and I thought I was gobby
I have downloaded MSN for her and showed her son how to use it but no matter how hard I tried, she just doesn't do computers at all and wouldn't even try it. I've told her son to open it on his computer anyway and if I see him online, I'll try and get him to go and get her to come and have a chat - I can but try
For me, a best mate is someone you know you can be yourself with, bear your soul to and know that it won't go any further, show yourself up totally and laugh about it the next day and is always there for you no matter what........
As a musician, I desperately wanted to ask her what music she wanted played at her funeral although knowing her, it will probably all be sorted anyway (she's even more organised than I am) but somehow I couldn't bring myself to even ask the question.
The hardest thing was saying goodbye to her at her gate as I always think that it may be my last memory of her. I managed to be strong whilst I drove home from her house but as soon as I walked into my own house and my dog went absolutely ballistic (he'd missed me obviously), I just cuddled him and cried into his fur. It's been a tough weekend but I have to admire her strength - I don't know if I could be that tough.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma
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